Feedback from the Tensegrity workshop held in Los Angeles, February, 2009:

¿Qué te Cuesta? Leadership and the Currency of Worth

Click here to listen to a live studio recording of the song played at the workshop, “Let the Good Times Roll” and some commentaries by Carlos Castaneda about the song

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General Feedback

Thank you to all the instructors and participants for the inspiring workshop.

I used to think that leadership was essentially the ability to lead others, a quality that I felt comfortable I had. Through the exercises before the workshop we were presented with a broader view of leadership in which we examined how individuals in our lineage dealt with their financial situation and what views we may have inherited or shared with them. This broadened the scope of what leadership is and this concept was further expanded in the workshop where I realized that it also meant being a leader in one’s own life.

Sometimes a simple statement can have a profound effect when we are ripe to hear it. Such was the case for me when one of the instructors, I believe it was Aerin Alexander, mentioned that “where thought goes energy goes”; this is something I had heard many times through the years and something I agreed with in principle but the implications of which I had obviously never felt as strongly; my daily life was populated daydreaming and thoughts imbued of fear. Now this struck me as a wasteful habit depriving me of the energy I could use to pursue my dreams. I there and then decided that in this workshop I would concentrate on being present, being aware of my body, my surroundings and what I was doing. Whenever distracting thoughts appeared they served as a reminder to re-focus on being in the moment. As the workshop progressed I experienced a deepening feeling of well-being, peacefulness, a feeling of being grounded the depth of which I never quite felt before. It was somehow an unknown feeling which nevertheless felt familiar, closer to what I wanted to be and how I wanted to live.

Leadership, I became aware, starts with caring for all aspects of my life, including how I earn my living and manage my financial situation. My early scene that I reviewed was seeing my father’s paycheck when I was young and realizing that he was earning two times the salary of my friend’s fathers who all worked at the local pulp and paper mill. I knew I could not reveal this to anyone because I did not want to stand out; I wanted more than anything to be accepted by my friends as one of them. Already there were enough things that made us stand apart as a family, the fact that ours parents were open, progressive, that we were a happy family that did things together, traveled. But I wanted to have solidarity with my friends, with the people of this town, to be and be seen as one of them. Working at the local mill was what I wanted to do despite feeling a different calling. The view held by most people in my early years was that work was something you did to earn a living, not the pursuit of your dreams. In a certain sense this has defined my approach to earning a living.

In reviewing the scene I had a new view of the situation and my father’s occupation. He had started to work in the grocery field as a young boy at a salary that was very low, but he progressed, built on his experience to change for better jobs. He moved up in the field because he was talented, honest and his work was appreciated. He had forged his own path to become an expert in store design, management and marketing in the grocery business. He had always earned his salary. With this new view I feel very proud of him and being appreciative of him also makes me more appreciative of myself. This is one more step in my appreciation of the gifts from my parents and family; recognizing and being grateful of my roots in my lineage. I know that I want to express and bring in this world the best of myself. I want to take responsibility in actively taking care and managing all aspects of my life starting with deliberate actions; and I now fully believe that my work can come from my dreams.

P.S. Upon completing my story yesterday for the « Currency of Worth» feedback I became aware of a connection that stuck me between the Tree form and the stalking exercises. With the stalking exercises I became conscious of traits in myself that ran through my family, of my links with my family lineage. I felt my connections with my lineage as roots being awakened. I felt this in the same bodily way I feel my roots extending into the soil when I do the Tree form. The Tree form and the stalking exercises both give me a sense of belonging and relationship, one awakening my connections to trees and this world, the other re-connecting me with my lineage and the gratitude I feel for the beings of my family tree. Both these connections bring a feeling of being grounded and a sense of completeness. Thank you for what I see as gifts of awareness.

At the workshop, I discovered in the witnessing exercise that I have a hard time with asking money for my services. ""It is not nice to ask for money. I have to do it for free. It is so embarrassing. It is a shame to ask for money."" On the other hand I expect people to give me money for nothing.

My father was a carpenter and he made many roofs in the village for free. My mother was very angry with him and wanted him to bring home money. I discovered that the country where I was born and grew up was a sort of semi-feudalistic country till World War II. After the war it became a communist country. Looking back to the life of my lineage before World War II. I can see that they worked on the land for the aristocracy. Their wages were low and not negotiable. People were deeply depending on each other. Floods and fire destroyed their houses and they couldn't build them up on their own. They were short on money they couldn't pay for it. They were living from the land. It was crucial to give and receive labor for free in order to survive.

In the communist or socialist society everybody had to have a job and everybody had to be payed. But giving a service and receiving money for the service were not as directly related as it is in a capitalist society. Both were an obligation independent from each other.

When I was a child and a young adult my parents always gave me money when I asked for it without any conditions. It was part of their love. So I became spoilt and as confused as they were about money.

As I have finished writing this paragraph somebody came to me and offered me $100 for helping her moving out some time ago. My solar plexus tightened. I was trying to figure out why she was saying that. I helped her for free. I didn't expect her to pay me, she is my friend. I believed that if I take it I would insult her. I felt ashamed, I could hardly breath. But the money would come just in time. I need it. Eventually I voiced the words: ""I appreciate your offer and I am glad to take the $100."" We were talking for a while but the energy flow wasn't pleasantly clear in me and finally she left.

But there is more to it. I received some money a few days ago and a portion belongs to her. It is an unexpected money and she doesn't even know about it. It just came and my inner leader tells me that part of it is rightfully hers. I have been trying to neglect the inner voice. I don't want to share. I want it all. But what does it cost me not wanting to share?

As I am digging deeper I can see that I stop the current of currency twice. First by fear. I am afraid that if I ask for any amount of money for my service I will be humiliated by receiving the words: ""You aren't worth that much money"". This is the reason why I under value my on work. Secondly I am mean. I want them all. And I am also afraid to lose it.

One thing that hit me after this workshop was the realization that I am deeply in debt. I spent and lost money in my life many times that was not mine and I never intended to give it back. I am counting the exact amount now and I am committing myself to pay it back. Even if I start paying only $5 dollar a month to a stranger or to a charity.

The lack of sense of worth is a lack of vision. I am so occupied with worrying about the everyday life that I miss to organize it around a vision. I am not even clear about my own dreams. I keep them in the realm of daydreaming and wishy-washy. When I have a clear vision and I am committed to it, it gives me a clear direction in my day to day life. And it is very easy to be a leader among leaders.

Mahalo Nui Loa for this recent seminar. As it has been for the last 9 years, this was a unique, yet totally familiar experience that allowed me to glimpse parts of my self that are real, 'standing there right in front of my face', and yet, that I don't usually see on a day to day basis.

During the Witnessing exercise: I recalled a memory while Mapping the Body of when I was around 10 years old. I was waiting with a friend for my dad to pick me up after school. I saw him driving up and I said something to the effect of "" there's my dad, I'll see you tomorrow "". At which she responded "" where ? "" and I said, "" in the BMW "" and she said "" Oh! Of course! "".

I had meant 'BMW' as a description to identify which car he was in and not as a status symbol, but my friend instantly perceived my meaning to be that I was bragging about it. I remember my breath seeping out of me and my body tightening up. I remember going from a feeling that I was very familiar with - that of a light and playful child - to a feeling of being alone, misunderstood, not seen, and ultimately, not loved. I believe I tried to explain myself and to 'rectify the situation', but I was left with that sinking alone feeling.

After doing the passes and coming 'into my body' and revisiting the scene with my witness, I felt something amazing. It was a feeling of freedom. I went back into the scene with an awareness of my breath as well as of my body and what came out of this was something like an attentive abandon, or as I have seen and heard used by instructors before, an abstract affection.

In the same scene with my new energy, I heard my friend respond to me in the way she did and it didn't close me off. Not only did I not close off, but I felt indifferent, yet open. I felt as though it didn't matter what she said or how she perceived my meaning. In fact, it felt as though MY WELL BEING AND ENERGY WAS NOT DEPENDENT UPON OTHERS, but was a state of being that I am responsible for and can naturally exist in. It is so simple, but this was a revelation. I felt very emotional sitting there recounting the experience. I couldn't believe that it was so simple, yet so far from my normal modus operendi. I felt light, like an energetic being, not like a heavy personal concern. In this new space I simply replied to my 10 year old friend: "" Ok, I'll see you tomorrow ! "" and there was NO feeling of impatience, of being closed off, or anything. Like i mentioned, it was a feeling of abstract affection. I was not affected by her energy dagger at all, and yet, I wasn't denying her whatsoever.

For me, the Workshop laid the groundwork for some rigorous stalking. On Saturday, after our Mapping Passes, my ""Stalking Question #1"" was completed with my Current Scene:: I have a twin sister and she sometimes works for me. While she was recently working for me she announced that she might be filing bankruptcy and way so upset she started crying. I have always thought (judged) my sister as being someone who didn't manage her finances well. So for our birthday around Thanksgiving day Nov.24th, (we obviously share the same birthday) I gave her what I felt was a generous bonus for working for me as well as a generous birthday present. She graciously thanked me and sent me a thank you card as well. We both felt good about this. Then as Christmas came around she asked if we needed some Christmas presents for anyone and she said she had some handmade baskets from Africa that she was selling. We (myself and my partner) agreed to look at them. Well, at my sister’s house while I was busy talking on my ""beloved"" cell phone, my partner picked out some baskets, so when I came back inside I was presented with an invoice for the baskets that I was now being charged 1/3 more than the agreed price! Well, I said that was more than what I was prepared to pay for ""Christmas Presents"". But I begrudgingly paid the asking price, after all,""it was my sister"" I told myself. BUT, on the way home I became very upset and felt like my sister had ""gouged"" me with her prices for the baskets.

Upon arriving at home I immediately went to my favorite website....""EBAY""...ha! and found I was RIGHT!!! I'd paid 1/3 more than the baskets were worth.....""My own sister did that to us after how generous we were!"" I exclaimed to my partner at the same time apologizing to her for being so upset!!! My breathing became erratic my forehead tense. My legs and upper body were rigid.....

So back to the Workshop: ""Stalking Question #2"" My witness was both attentive and precise in his questioning. I created my new expanded view but he and I both knew that I was still feeling persecuted. My ""new view"" was only marginally convincing. I admitted to him I was still upset.

Well, the Monday after the workshop I was physically and emotionally exausted. I began to wonder if I was coming down with an illness. We were going to see my partner's parents and for me this was only my second visit with them. Even though it was my idea to extend the workshop weekend into a parental visit. Today, Monday I had little or no interest in these events and my body felt like that. It seemed every joint ached.....

Well, that night back at the hotel room, I did some Mapping of the Body. I looked over my notes of the workshop, in particular our pre-workshop recapitulation Family Line assignment. Everything then fell into place. I saw that I had became a ""good provider"" or money maker because my parents, in particular my step- father, was never good at it and I NEVER wanted to be LIKE THAT. Yes, I judged him heavily for that and my sister? She picked up HIS bad habits of money management so she too is also being judged by me! And I realized that my ability to ""make a good living"" is partially fed by this judgment and the compensation for my said personal history. Could this be the reason I bought those baskets – not to be nice, but to keep being judgmental? Like a never-ending “I told you so!” back to them. And maybe I even chose to be a semi-pro musician instead of a pro one so that I could devote more time to ""making money"", again being better than them!

The cost of carrying all of these judgments? Giving up a quality relationship with my step-dad, my sister, my own creativity. The cost of joy and vitality?

In the last Stalking Handout of the workshop, I said that strong relationships, family, friends were something I valued highly. How could I be a leader in that when I am ‘diminishing with my judgments’ my own near family? Enough said. I realized I had to jump through this window quick. I needed to talk to my sister and apologize for being so judgmental all of these years.

For me the warriors freedom, how we get our wings of freedom, is to ""tell on ourselves, to lay it out on the line."" My sister called me yesterday and I told her what I had learned last weekend at the workshop; I gave her my apology and she accepted it."" Our relationship has some freedom to create now.

Without this workshop, its intent, and the alignment that occurred there for me, my muscle for re-inventing myself would not have been so strong. The possibilities of re-assembling my view would be lessened. I thank all the instructors and fellow practitioners for the dance we do together and the vitality that it gives us.....BRAVO!!

I'm just going to talk about my experiences after the workshop when I gleaned a few nuggets of awareness that are very helpful to me in being my own leader of my own life. Right after the workshop I felt a little numb. Seemed like I should be pursuing my dreams now, but what are they? Nothing seemed to excite me. I felt confused.

The next morning I woke up and started to feel guilty as usual for sleeping late, feeling bad about myself. Pretty quickly and for the first time, there was another voice that was soothing and told me that I was good. I wasn't doing anything wrong. I started feeling much better and got up and started my day. I started to feel that if that thing that I had been so ashamed of was not wrong, maybe my impulses were O.K.

Maybe my thoughts and feelings about what to do were right, for me anyway. In experimenting with this novel concept, I'm getting a look at who's in charge of my life anyway? Well actually I have to say that I've been making the decisions, but feeling bad about a lot of them if I surmised that other people might not approve. Or I'd be trying to get myself to act like I thought I was supposed to. What a prison that turned out to be. I'm actually enjoying taking for me an unprecedented degree of responsibility in my life by following what I feel energy for and skipping making other people responsible by trying to please them. What a relief! What saved energy! My new idea is other folks can like what I do or not. That's their business, not mine. I figure I'm here to enjoy being me, and in allowing that for myself somehow it's easier to allow others to do their thing without having to hear from me.

It seems to me now that we are here on this earth in these beautiful unique bodies for a short time. What for? To parrot back what we've been told and do what others have done before us? I'm starting to think – no. I think our contribution to the whole structure is us, whoever we are, and that that would be the only possibility of evolution- each one of us following our own inner guidance and contributing that to the whole.

My practice now is to say ‘yes’ to myself, to love myself. If I don't, why in heck should anyone else? Anyway as I gradually remember to be nice to myself instead of being on my own case all the time, my natural creativity is beginning to surface. As I look forward to enjoying the things I like to do without shame or guilt, it's much easier to see other possibilities I could do. Just 'cuz I want to. Maybe dreaming isn't so hard after all. It was I who has had a lid on it by saying ‘no’ to myself. In exploring a ‘yes’ to myself I am starting to get to know myself. Perhaps there's something there behind the socialized being.

Thank you for the tremendous opportunities we had at the workshop to improve our lives.

The preparatory assignment instructors sent us before the seminar gave me the awareness about my fears on money. So, I came to the seminar hoping to face those fears. I did the family tree in the past, but I was not focalized about money, work, and worthy. Now, with this focus, I discovered how much I got from my mother, and at the workshop, my witness helped me to understand how much my mother got from her father. Beyond that, we had the opportunity to release any emotion related money, and how to live in a leadership pattern.

The rolling form, with the very ancient sound coming from the belly, dissolved any emotion I get stuck in before. I was able doing that for the work I did before with my witness. Those fears were not my fears, that feeling to be poor was not mine, and I recognized that, I acknowledged how much my mother suffered about that: should I bring the same pain?

The rolling form released that emotions, and when Joshua an Lory, husband and wife, did their tracking live on the stage, I was able to laugh of them and overall of myself and, of course, of my wife. I had the feeling that all the participants were not laughing for the exhilarating scene Joshua and Lory were playing, but for the exhilarating scene we play in our daily life as husband, wife, parent, son, daughter... We were all on the stage!

Most important for me and for my witness too, and I guess for many participants, was the Sunday morning tracking, the method was simple and unusual, as we had only to answer some questions, facing to the witness, questions related the fundamental of our social life: money, worth, values and dreams.

I realized my current doubts about the profession I'm doing. Which specialization should I chose now? I cannot answer this question as I haven't good feelings related to my current profession; my past experience hurt me so much that now I feel empty of passion. I need a moment to restore my soul as the tree drops his leaves during winter season, and I need to laugh!

Here there are some discovering about leadership, very different and amazing views.

v Leadership is staying together with other leaders, making a common body.

v Leadership is expressing unique being, together with other unique beings.

v Love and leadership: you can substitute the two words and see what happens. Leadership instead love: no differences.

v Before to lead someone else I have to be leader of myself

v Leader acknowledges his/her mistakes.

v The tree is a true leader, aware of 360° direction, goes into the earth and up to the sky. It's aware of the surroundings.

v Leader asks questions, and answers too, but first asks questions.

Although this workshop was not as emotional for me as many previous workshops, there were a couple of moments that I felt strongly about. One of them was the introductory speech Reni Murez gave at the beginning of our stalking exercises. She was saying words of hope, words on encouragement - ""Spirit help me, Spirit do it with me"". My emotional reaction to Reni's introduction made me realize that I am still not asking enough for help from the Spirit and from the people around me, I am still trying to do everything on my own, I still often feel like I am alone - the feeling that brings a lot of sadness. When I heard Reni speak, I felt an enormous relief which brought tears to my eyes. I do believe that I always have Spirit with me, I just forget about it.

This workshop for me was more about leadership than money. While doing the stalking exercises I realized that whenever I was being asked if a new action of mine was an action of a leader, I always hesitated with the answer. I knew what I was being asked and why, it's just that the word ""leader"" brought up rather negative emotions in me and I didn't want to identify with the term. This was particularity curious since the type of leadership that was implied by the exercise was completely different from my interpretation. The leadership in the exercise was about one's connection with the Spirit, one's sense of responsibility not only for him/herself but also for people around, one's kindness and inner strength and commitment in the face of challenges - the kind of leadership I rarely encountered in my life. I realized that my interpretation of leadership was first shaped by my cultural background - growing up in the communist Russia I identified leadership with corruption, lust, overpowering and being above the law. Later I got familiar with corporate leadership, which to me was about ambition, careerism, money making and ego-centrism. I didn't want to identify with any of this, and thus ultimately I didn't want to be a leader.

When Miles Reid read a beautiful poem about love and then replaced ""love"" with ""leadership"" - I was surprised, to say the least. The connection between love and leadership was so foreign and unexpected. That was the moment when I said to myself that leadership is something different and I need to allow myself to believe in it. I came home and started making a list of people that I love and admire who embody this new definition of leadership that I found at the workshop. The first one on that list was my grandmother. I thought - I want to be like her, I want to be the kind of leader she was and she still is. I will continue working on my list in the next few weeks/months. Thank you for bringing this awareness to me!

As always, I want to begin by saying Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! The workshop was wonderful. I'm a lighter being than I was before.

I’d done the pre-assignment as soon as I got it, and had witnessed it prior to the workshop so that part I sort of went through on rote attention, but when it was time to call up a memory from the past the workshop came alive. As we were doing the Mapping, four separate episodes came to mind and I consciously settled on one but when I came to review the list I’d made, one of the other memories asserted itself (it literally came off the page so clearly that the other three episodes on the list were obscured), so I recounted it.

This happened at Christmas when I was ten, almost eleven: my great grandmother, who was 91 at the time, motioned me to follow her, saying, “I have a present for you.” I followed her full of glee and greedy anticipation, thinking, “Wow, this is going to be really special!” She handed me an envelope, yellow with age and inside was a dilapidated Christmas card and $2. I sank into disappointment and anger, thinking “This isn’t a present, it’s just money and not enough anyway.” I was indignant that I had to thank her for such a measly, thoughtless “present,” and turned away from her mumbling resentfully, “thank you.” I knew I had hurt her: her mouth tightened and she sat down in her rocking chair without saying anything, folding her hands on her lap and staring at the floor, but I didn’t care. I stalked away from her, hugging my resentment to myself.

When I reviewed that memory from my current adult perspective I realized several things: she had given me the present as her way of being part of the family, participating in the Christmas festivities and with my rejection I had refused her that participation. And, from her perspective, the present was not measly: she had given me a month’s income, it was a huge amount for her. She was very poor, completely dependent on her grandson for everything except her $2 a month pension which she usually contributed to the household expenses—this is something I learned some years after the Christmas in question. I felt swallowed by shame and sorrow and told my witness that I had to find her (in my dreams?) and thank her with all my heart for the gift. When I emerged from the shame and sorrow I realized that I had, from that point on, received gifts without grace or generosity: I always felt resentful and either put upon (if the gift was large) or cheated, but I never recognized that someone had given the gift and had a stake in its reception. Two things changed in my view: one, that there is generosity in receiving as well as giving (though I am fully aware when others are not receiving graciously); and two, that in order to be a leader I have to be open, I have to recognize and include the other in order to get beyond ‘me me me.”

With this writing I have examined this memory with attention three times: once at the workshop, once by writing it out in my navigator’s log (when the memory became more detailed, clearer), and this time in writing it to you. With this third rendition, another awareness has asserted itself: the stalking exercises are a means of releasing myself bit by bit from the prison of me: because of my absolute focus on myself, my expectations, my disappointments I not only excluded my grandmother from the Christmas festivities, I excluded myself, also. And, because “me” always has to be right, I turned rejecting gifts into a rule that was always to be applied regardless of circumstance. Which clarified something else: the difference between a boss and a leader is that a boss applies rules regardless of circumstances, a leader responds to the situation. I have spent most of my life being a boss. But that, thanks in large part to my participation in these workshops over the past several years, is beginning to change. Hooray for change!