Feedback from the Tensegrity workshop held in Joshua Tree, California, September, 2009:

As Above, So Below…
As Below So Above…

 

Recording and Commentaries of Sounds of Outer and Inner Space played at the workshop.

First of all thank you so much for this unbelievable and magical occurrence! Through practising the Milky Way Form I felt an unbelievable peace in my body (especially in the region of the belly) and at the end of the workshop as we practise the last part of this Form several times I felt that I am a small galaxy which rotates to himself and through this has a 360° view. As bringing the left and the right body together in this Form I had the sensation as two pieces which were long time separated from each other but truly belong together came in this moment together. What a beautiful experience!

As we practised the As Above So Belong Form I felt a lightness in my whole body which was caused by the star and the galaxy energy which I distributed in my body.

Through recapitulating my Mother I understood that she acts like she acts because of her personal history and therefore does not know better in some situations. Therefore there is no reason to judge her but it is about to accept her as a human being. And if, on the other hand, I judge her then it is not because of her but because of me and my personal state. Furthermore I saw that she loves me not because I am her son and she is my mother and therefore she has to love me, but overall because it is me that she loves as a person without any expectation and therefore doing things for me (for instance cooking) in this manner. I received her love and things which she did and still does to/for me in the way that she has to do it for me because she is my mother and never showed her the true love and thankfulness. That has to change through opening my heart and letting my judgements against her fall.

Through recapitulating my Father I saw that I copy the behaviour of my grandmother and often had to show him that I am better, cleverer, always knowing better than him etc. and never had the idea to accept and listen to his opinion and to accept him as a man as a human being who is not better or worse than me. This has to change as well! I see now that he is so proud to have a son like me and I am truly so proud to have a father like him and that I also have to show him that without any barrier.

The story of Brian Le Beaux about his father was a real inspiration to work on myself with all honesty, emotion and directness. Above all the last part of his story makes me clear that I have no time to wait to change my behaviour and my being opposed to my father.

The Star Walk was a magical experience! I felt a strong connection to the stars. At first I felt the star energy how it went through me and opened myself. Then the wind, which seemed to have his own special intent that evening, wash all the tension out of my body. As next a sentence plumps out of my mouth: “I am free”. It has so much lightness in it!
The stars tell me that first of all I have to show my mother how I truly love her and appreciate what she does for me and that I have to accept my father as “equal” human being. All this through opening my heart. And overall the stars tell me that I am here to reach what Reni Murez called freedom of perception and to live with all the awareness which I have!

Through the closing recapitulation I had the sensation that I was completing all the findings which I had in this workshop. I realised the bridge between what the stars tell me to do and all the bad and good attributes of my parents. I understood that I have to accept these attributes as a part of me. Through this, the possibility opens to myself to achieve the new behaviour different from my parents.

What an unbelievable place! As I was arriving in Joshua Tree I could not understand what should be so special at this place. However, after that workshop I felt the beauty, magic and infinity of it! Thank you so much again for this workshop!

…I loved the walk up the hill with the stars with the intensity brought about by the magical passes. On the hilltop, this image came to me, of myself walking through life with all these connections to the stars. The message that came with it was: 'Keep on walking with the stars'. The message may be not very concrete, but the next day it became very specific with the closing stalkings. Looking at the list of attributes of both parents and how they reflected in me, made more clear than before which are my life lessons; that I am filled with this affection but that it rarely comes out of me, that I can learn to be fluid in any situation, that I can liberate myself from fear of judgments etc.

…On the hilltop I got an answer for being here “Just to live here on earth, perceiving this beautiful place, its wonders, for enjoying it, just for living.” I got the thought that I am the last female being living on earth from my mother’s line. I really felt all of them in this moment standing behind me, looking at me, sending me their best wishes and all their love and power. Viewing all of these strong, beautiful women I felt the engagement to embody all of them in daily life. Without them and their efforts I would not stay here. The same is true with my Father’s line.

…At the top of the mountain, the wind was cleaning many scenes that I have not had a chance to stalk with my witness. One of that scenes was when I was seven or eight, I woke up crying in the middle of the night. My mother suggested to me then to go outside and see the stars up to the sky. I asked the stars then Why I was having so difficult a time? I remember getting in a deep silence. Then now, 33 years later, I was again looking at the stars and asking one more time Why? The answered came not in words but in a feeling. Love. I came to learn about love. What is love and what is not love. From my view, I learned as a child what was not love. Now I am learning what is being supportive but not only for myself but for others to share – comprehension and compassion for my fellow human beings.

As always, thank you with all my heart for all your work. The place was wondrous; the magical passes intense—they made me feel something like a shape-shifter. The role-playing exercises and attendant recapitulations, well I’m still working on all that, but this is where I’ve gotten so far:

Body position for (interacting with) “bad” Father: angry resistance; refusing accusations. Not cowed: mouth stiff and hard but also trembling; back bowed over (characteristic posture: sort of rounded around the belly for protection) but very, very stiff (not now characteristic—now I slump into that posture). A feeling of almost overwhelming fear: if he’s right I’m so bad everything will leave (especially him). This was in some ways the most disturbing experience of the workshop: I was overwhelmed and for the first time realized that I believed that father left (my mother and father were divorced when I was 3) because of me-- I’d never recognized that before. I had to stop my witness from his enactment I was feeling so overwhelmed.

In experiencing “good” Father moments, I remembered when my father would laugh at some antic or other and exclaim, “What a dame! What a dame!!” Body posture: fists on hip, chin jutted forward, mouth clamped and turned down, a feeling of outraged indignation: “I’m not a dame!!” In that moment I realized that I had turned defiance into a state of being. It has been my characteristic response, to either praise or blame—an instantaneous and indignant rejection of whatever, good or bad, has been offered. I remembered when, in an early workshop, someone came up to me and praised my kinetic memory—I had no trouble then doing passes after only one demonstration. As soon as I realized I’d been praised, all kinetic memory fled and to this day I find myself floundering through the passes even after multiple repetitions, and I remembered that I had reacted to the praise with a very characteristic, “Oh, that's what you think? Well, I'll show you.” That was one clear, specific memory but I recognized that that feeling of defiance, and the attendant posture has been almost an underlying theme to my entire life: I meet everything with that stance and that rejection.

The positive list for my Father: 1) Full of life; 2) Vigorous; 3) Capable of delight; 4) strong; 5) keen aesthetic sense; 6) Santa Claus eyes; 7) Gregarious. The negative list: Disappointed, ashamed; confused—these three came out in a tumble and I realized, as they emerged, that this is how I thought he felt about me—1) struggling; 2) distant; 3) prankster; 4) juvenile, immature; 5) domineering.

Disapproving, angry Mother: I had no body position whatever, except an awareness of my mouth which was curled upward in a smug, unpleasant expression. I felt great contempt and a sense of superiority. Again, I had to call a time out to stop my witness. My realization then was that I had been the one provoking my mother into anger, I thought at first as a way of forcing her attention on me, except the feeling I had was not of relief (Ah! Now she’s paying attention to me), it was of smug superiority (See! I’m the one in control). I was completely puzzled by this reaction, and very uncomfortable with it: my linear mind was churning out all sorts of explanations, but nothing made sense until my witnessed asked, “Is this a pattern in your family lineage?” My immediate reaction was to thrust the question aside at the same time that I realized I had been acting out my mother’s story about her relationship with her step-mother—I had treated my mother like she was the bad step-mother, and that linked with the way I had felt during the bad father pantomime: treating my mother like the bad step mother was one of my coping mechanisms to keep from any awareness that I believed my father had left because of me.

Loving Mother: …I was able to recall moments of love between my mother and myself. When it was my turn to act out the loving mother I took my witness’s hand and pantomimed a version of This Little Piggy with huge exaggerated gestures and giggles, as I remembered my mother playing with me, and I felt how much love there had been between us.

Positive list for my Mother: 1) Courageous; 2) Intelligent; 3) Witty; 4) Articulate; 5) Understanding. Negative list: 1) Day dreamer; 2) Making life a struggle; 3) Forlorn; 4) Shy; 5) Unsure; Reserved; Preoccupied; Self-engrossed (the last term has a heavy black box around it).

…when Miles Reid said, “Write ‘I am’ before the positive and negative attributes,” I thought it would be easy. Then he said to make it specific, and that got hard, so hard I almost missed the affirmative statements summing up the positive and negative which, for my father/me was: I have the strength, vigor and capacity for delight to be able to stop needlessly struggling against life, to grow up and to express a sense of closeness with those I care for. For my mother/me it was: I have the courage, intelligence and wit to look at the world without the opera glasses of fantasy, to let go of needless struggle and wallowing in self pity.

The Shamanic Walk up the mountain to the stars was amazing: just before I started I shut my eyes and, since this was all fathers and mothers, brought to mind the last time I’d seen my mother which was the day before we left for the workshop. From there, walking slowly, I went backwards through my life, focused almost exclusively on my mother and father, resting occasionally, occasionally losing the thread but coming back to it: finding memories I’ve repeated to myself over and over and over again and sometimes finding memories I haven’t remembered or thought about for years until finally, just at the crest of the hill but not on top, I had gone all the way back to about 3 years old and running to greet my father who stopped me by offering to shake hands with me rather than hug me. With each memory, I would look at it and I could feel something within me responding, “Don’t need this story any more,” and the memory would be tossed out: this happened time after time until there were no more memories. Then I stepped off the path and lay on the ground (getting mildly punctured by thorns, but they weren’t especially mean or painful) wondering what I could possibly ask of the stars. I never made it to the top of the hill: when I started up I ran into my sister, who was coming down and it felt right to turn around and walk down the path with her. It wasn’t until the next morning, when Miles was speaking to us that the final memory burst out: this was a memory I had found at a previous workshop, and had been puzzling about its meaning ever since but I had not recalled it during the Shamanic walk: I am standing up in my crib. I must be less than two years old because I can stand by holding on to the crib, but I can not walk yet. I am looking at a door and I know someone is about to come through and I am filled with a great joy like a blob of sunlight bursting out of my chest. That is the total memory, and I have been trying to explain it without success ever since, especially focusing on who was about to step into the room. I don’t remember what Miles was saying, but it triggered that memory again but this time, instead of being consumed with curiosity (and worry) about who was going to come through the door, I realized that what I want is that bursting joy from my heart again.

The two talks I heard, Jim Morris’s and Renata Murez’s, were deeply moving, intense, personal, and yet like lights illuminating my path. The Tale of The Quillwork Girl was a beautiful story, beautifully told—a special thanks to Geri Keams for that.

The Star Walk – letting a layer of judgment be washed by the wind, listening to the stars and becoming more aware of why it is that we came here and what it is that we came to learn.

The most I can remember the feeling on top, which I take in bed that night I noticed it once or twice before in life. I think it is feeling of my lineage. To move, and to have compassion to my lineage.

The celebratory Fire Circle with songs;

Impressed on Hawaiian singing with drums.

The closing recapitulation – the integration of the ‘star’ and ‘earth’ element within us and our lineage – both running through our veins;

The strengthening, life-nurturing story of Quillwork Girl told by Geri Keams

Amassed. The best story-telling of my life. At the end I understand the sentence, when Nyei said "that the story have a power."

The place itself, holding us in the dream of awakening!

The negative scene with my father came with difficulty. I was his favorite child and he wasn't angry or disapproval towards me. The scene I finally found showed me that what I don't like in my father also exists in me. He does favors for others without asking if they would need it or like it. And in the scene I did the same: I did something thinking it would be good for him, but turned out it wasn't helpful. Then I felt offended and disapproved because he wasn't happy with my good deed. This is a repeating pattern in both of our lives.

To find a scene with my mother was easier. I just didn't agree with her in many cases.
She had a controlling attitude; she was the head of the family. And I have the same issue, just hidden inside of me.

The positive scenes brought relief. It was nice to remember the happy moments and see my parents as loving people.

Walking along the path up the mountain to visit the stars, I was recalling all the good and the bad I saw from my parents. I saw that from the early childhood I had been intuitively choosing whose behavior to copy on specific situations. For example, when Mom was screaming and making a scene I would become quiet and withdrawn like Dad and today this habit keeps me from being able to stand up for my opinion, because from childhood I learned and knew only two options – either to scream or withdraw and now it is easier for me to say nothing. With a hopeless feeling I was realizing that I am composed of all of my parents’ qualities. A feeling of being wronged by them and by my fate weighted heavily on my shoulders. And then I realized that with this heavy burden on my shoulders I won’t be able to climb the mountain and the final goal of my journey would not be reached. But I wanted to ask the stars what should I be doing professionally further in my life. And so, I forgave my parents, I forgave them everything – good and bad, I let them live as they are, by themselves, separate from me, I let them go. And suddenly, into the freed up space formed in my soul, jubilation poured! I felt the beauty of the night, and the desert breathed into me with its dry wind and made me weightless. On top of the mountain, surrounded by warm human beings, I felt that nothing stands in my way of asking the stars: what is my purpose? I asked that question and saw myself walking with a photo camera and my heart was singing with the beauty of the surrounding world. And I realized that my entire lineage had given me inheritance of precious gifts – the strength of the spirit and the ease of moving about, which today allows me to travel, to see the beauty of Earth and her wonders…the gifts that allow me to create my own dreams, my own worlds…

…Just arrived Joshua Tree Retreat Center one day before the Workshop I was first a little confused, because of the straight city noises by the street beside, because I expected "more desert". But after sunset and opposite rising fullmoon I became calm and then, while lying down I really felt the flow under me, the connection with the cleaning water. So day by day I came more and deeper in contact with the place, and already, after the Workshop and a day in LA, I came back for another two days to be in contact with this energy. Thanks for choosing this special energy resource, thanks to the place itself.

…While on the Star Walk, just from the beginning I became slower and slower, came into “aware step by step”, realizing that all the interactions in my life brought me to that moment. Each talk, all the help of my parents, teachers, friends, enemies, little and big fights, judgments .... gave me the push to that moment, socialized me as far. So I became really thankful and spoke that ‘thanks’ out loud. From this state, I went deeper into my family and came to the feeling, that our little universe – our family – was and is really connected with the complete universe; we only exist in direct interaction and live in the same way and flow. That makes me a little sad, a little wistful, but mainly full of joy and happiness. So I realized, my parents in their family line, gave their best to fill up this little universe with life, to extend the family line. They gave me the possibility to observe these universal structures, gave me safety, fed me and at the very least, let me freely open my mind. So we, as a family, interact now really again as our little universe, aware of all the circumstances we had to manage. We forgave, opened our hearts, found our way back together. Now, often while we do gardening together (Thanks Father for opening the universe of stars, nature and animals in me!) , we interact with care and respect for each other, teach each other, bring our experiences and knowledge on the table. Often, after having dinner or lunch together (Thanks Mother for opening my mind for cooking with love and healthy food!) , we go deeper back in the family lines, with tears and laughter. I feel really free and fulfilled with them in these moments of connecting my family universe with planetary universe. I am able now to thank them deep from my heart and being! Wow, what a great journey is the family life and a pleasure and blessing to finally see it!

On Saturday I had a definitive breakthrough with regard to my mother. It came after Reni Murez’ wonderful talk about her mother and after the good mother exercise. It was as if a wall had fallen between myself and my mother and I returned to feeling the love I had felt for her when I was very young when I adored her. And with it came a crushing sense of guilt about my treatment of her as I grew up -- how unfair I have been, cruel, distant, judgmental, uncharitable. I realized after this that my judgments of her were all bogus. I was like someone given a magnificent Persian rug who focuses exclusively on one tiny stain. When I wrote my list of attributes for her, I couldn’t think of anything negative at all! I recapitulated as I walked up the path to the mountain in the dark -- the night felt very dense and I could see no stars at all, even the moon was muffled up in a cloud. I never made it to the top as I met my sister coming down and poured out my anguish about my treatment of my mother. She was feeling the same way When we gathered at the campfire, I felt as if I had recovered my original innocence and I was actually transported back to the last time I had done this -- at summer camp.. Later I slept for a few hours and then I woke up writhing in psychic agony, knowing that I had to make some acknowledgment to my mother, and afraid it might be too late. She is in a nursing home and has retreated to a very young age, before all the sadness in her life -- before she lost her father’s love, before her mother’s death, before she had had children, and before all her subsequent disappointments. I finally decided to write her a letter telling her all the things she had made possible in my life, how she was the best possible mother I could ever have had, and to finally and fully express my gratitude toward her…

Many thanks for this starry Workshop.
Maybe one of my most authentic experiences during the Workshop happened after performing the “As Above, So Below” pass for the first time and connecting to Coma Berenices, which, as I was astound to learn, is kind of a North-Pole for our Galaxy and consists itself from many Galaxies. Although just a short impression, it was one of great clarity and spark. I saw kind of a winter-tale fractal abundance of intense shining stars, filigree shaped, reminding of water crystals of various forms, in an intricate relation with each other. As with the beginners luck, this sight did not show itself again afterwards, but there were “feelings” of peering into a deep unknown, which was given a sense of natural connection and belonging by these delicate hues of colour.
Another experience was at the end of the Workshop- while we were orbiting around as galaxies among galaxies, that there was a “core”, to which I was drawn, or a space I came to share with other.
…Reni’s words, that losing a parent brings a loss in earthly protection, yet brings in turn a protection from the stars, were particularly touching, since I lost my father not too long ago.
Also – a very strong message was that of having a parent as a guiding star, out of the love of your heart!
The star walk itself to me was imbued with a sense of tenderness, respect, solitude and in a peculiar way: of togetherness. Not only among the warriors on the way, but among all beings, from the dust crumbles, little stones and rocks, plants to the stars above. I felt accepted and protected, and equal in some sober way with everything, no matter how big or small.
There was a sort of coming back to yourself which I experienced, also during day-time, of being more “centered“, more “compact“, more “autonomous“ than I am accustomed to feel myself to be.
I enjoyed the feel of the vowels from the Hawaiian songs, I enjoyed being a listener to a living tradition of Native American story telling – a very alive and at the same time to me deeply philosophical narration and expression of human condition. And I did feel the way Geri said to have seen us: as a child.
And I enjoyed the atmosphere on the premises – the encounters with practitioners, those with the instructors in a more “casual” way.
And I loved the land, the desert, the moon, Jupiter and seeing Sagittarius (a rare sight for me in Europe, because of its proximity to the horizon), the unseen water below (which I’m recalling only now, but understand that it must be it which brings this freshness to this place). The sun.

Well ...so many more!

Thank you!

Thank you so much for such a rich and uplifting experience, so full of new discoveries and possibilities! There is so much that I have come away with. I was thrilled to learn the form called the “Milky Way”. When I was a very young child playing with my older sister, her play name for me was “Milky Way”. What I remember about these games was that it was such a thrill to feel as if we were dancing and playing amongst the stars and this is how it felt to do this form!

In recapitulating my Father, I realized how being raised in a family that judged people on their social status, education, race, etc. made it very difficult for us to communicate because of our fear of being judged. But I realized that my Dad and I still managed to connect on a very deep and spiritual level. This was such a healing exercise for me as my Dad has recently passed away and it brought a beautiful sense of closure for me. After hearing Reni Murez’ story on Saturday and especially the part of her experience with her mother's passing, I felt as if a new window was opening up for me to connect with my Dad on an energetic level. For this I am extremely grateful.

When reviewing scenes with my Mother, I was pleasantly surprised to see her with a whole new view. It wasn't difficult to find a negative scene because there were so few of those in my childhood. In the scene I chose, I saw how my mother was giving me a beautiful gift by teaching me to take responsibility for my actions, which at the time I found very difficult, and I resented her for making me face what I had done! (Of course it is still, to this day, difficult to take responsibility for certain acts, but I'm learning!) In the positive scene I chose, my Mother was comforting me after a bad dream, and the love that flowed between us was so pure and beautiful. I realized that this love is the same as the creative energy of the stars and it is imprinted in every living thing, and especially in beings with wombs. As I recalled this amazing, vibrant flow of love, I was aware of our connection with the stars and that we have the ability to create any dream we desire as long as we maintain this link.

This realization was further reinforced on the Star Walk. Lately in my life I have been feeling stuck and as if in order to pursue one dream I would have to give up another. But it dawned on me that I am not stuck, I am free, and I have the creative intelligence inside me to manifest any and all of my dreams and this is supported by the Earth and the Stars.

It is very exciting to see how, in clearing our views of our family lineage, we are creating a new path for future generations. I was especially thrilled to note that there were at least 6 parents with children at this workshop. Some of the children were quite young, some already adults. These young warriors give us all such a feeling of hope! I have recently found out that my daughter is expecting a baby (our 1st grandchild) right around the time of my Dad's birthday.
The best thing about this is that after a couple of years of being very distant, she has started to communicate with her family again. It is my Intent and my Dream that the cleansing we have begun in Joshua Tree, will help to create a healthy and loving existence for this new generation.

I would like to express how wonderful it was for all of us to hear Geri Keams’ story about the Quill Girl. What a gift to have such a talented and vibrant story teller in our presence! Thank you, Geri!
I would also like to thank the “Infinity Players” for their gift of music, especially to Brian Le Beaux. He put so much energy and heart into this workshop, and his performance of the “Father Daughter” song was delightful. It really touched my heart on a deep level! Thank you,
Brian!

And of course, Thank you to all the Instructors and to my fellow Practitioners and to the Earth and the Stars for your dreams and creativity!

The Joshua Tree workshop was truly magical. When I look back and try to take it apart to see what was done behind the scenes to create such magic I am especially in awe because I can find nothing specific beyond the myriad of separate actions linked and aligned by intent to open a channel between the vastness of the universe and our intimate world. That magic occurred should not be unusual because as the seminar revealed, we truly live in a magical world. Yet it is all too easy to lose track of this fact. I feel now perhaps more than ever the value of the Tensegrity structure, of working together to create a new consensus, one that allows for the practicality to “Wish Upon a Star”.

…Being in a natural setting with … clean air, healthy water and limited noise goes a long way in helping us get in touch with both body and spirit. Yet I have been living in such a setting for more than six years! There was a difference attending the Joshua Tree retreat. The difference must have been in the people! To be among dozens, or hundreds, of other people who are determined to open themselves, determined to strive for silence, determined to be impeccable in every moment that comes their way, makes for a rich and nurturing experience. My heartfelt thanks to all!