Feedback from the Tensegrity workshop held in Amsterdam, April, 2009:

A Recapitulation of Sex, Gender, Power, and Creativity

This is dedicated to Liesbeth Perdeck, psychologist, author, lecturer and teacher, corporate consultant, artist, loyal and loving friend, and very active, passionate and beloved practitioner and practice group representative of Tensegrity in Amsterdam. On Thursday, May 21, while driving through the beautiful countryside of Gelderland, she and her father were mysteriously killed in an accident in which their car was hit by a commuter train.

In the recent Tensegrity workshop in Amsterdam, Liesbeth gave a very powerful, moving and groundbreaking lecture about her own journey toward a new and loving relationship with herself, and her father, and toward claiming her creative energy. In the lecture, she shared the fruits of a thorough inventory of her own sexuality and creativity, a review that led her to scenes with her father from her adolescence; she spoke about how she had mistaken her father’s upset reactions to evidence of her growing womanhood (her putting on makeup, her adolescent body) as rejection. She came to recognize that these were actually her father’s best attempts at protecting his daughter, at breaking a family pattern of abuse.

Liesbeth shared how, so many years later, father and daughter forgave each other, and shared loving moments, such as when he would call to ask about her work and life, or share a piece of classical music he thought she would enjoy, or tell her cheerfully about some mushrooms he was growing, the area of his scientific and academic expertise.

Liesbeth said that in her youth, mistakenly believing her father hadn’t loved her led her down a path of destructive attention seeking from men; and that one key thing that saved her was this: the encouragement of both of her father and mother in her studies, which enabled her to complete her university degrees, and embark on a career as a psychologist and lecturer. Her father was a botanist and lecturer, and her mother was a scholar of literature and history, who had a lifelong passion for learning. Liesbeth reported that when her mother was in her seventies near the end of her life, she told her daughter with great enthusiasm, and a shine in her eyes: “I am writing a thesis on La Passionara!”

Liesbeth said she wanted to use her creative energy now to relate to men from a more mature place, and to also write a book for young girls, to help them know something that she didn’t at their age: That they are creative, intelligent, capable and beautiful beings, and that growing into womanhood doesn’t have to mean using one’s sexuality as a means to get love and attention.

Her vision of writing the book was:

Giving a positive counterpoise to girls about body, femininity, by relating these issues to nature and earth, legends, fairy tales, habits of indigenous people and pre-patriarchal religions; giving info and tips about taking care of themselves, loving themselves… love and sexuality…. And making drawings for it, too…

As Liesbeth shared all this with the women at the workshop in Amsterdam, they listened with keen and loving and graceful attention.

Below, you will find grateful responses to Liesbeth’s lecture in some of the letters shown here. Her own comments about the workshop and the experience of sharing her story include:

To keep it short: the workshop, that miraculous event, stimulated this development with me:

…I am discovering now, also the desire to get to know another being, to practice a mature relationship, to experience love for a man. And being able to open up and receive love from a man, as I am. But, first, there is the relationship with myself - after workshop I found these words - to have a good, mature, loving relationship with myself...

This may sound very easy to many people, but for me it is really an incredible voyage, over vast mountains and deep ravines ....

What is the source of the workshop? I love that source completely, totally...and I thank that from the mountains and the ravines in my heart ....

We thank that source, from the mountains and ravines of our hearts, for letting us know a being like Liesbeth, and for her father, and for her mother and her brothers. What an honor to witness Liesbeth’s voyage, and what a gift that she shared the nectar of it with the women at the workshop, and with everyone who knew her.

Below are some more of the fruits of this wonderful workshop.

Liesbeth’s fellow practitioners in the Netherlands have set up a space on their Stichting MOT site to honor Liesbeth’s great spirit, where those who wish to can pay tribute, and find information about some specific ways you can make donations to honor some beings that Liesbeth cared about very deeply!

http://www.stichtingmot.nl/Liesbeth%20engels.html

UPDATE June 8, 2009:

We received a very special letter at Cleargreen on Wednesday, May 26, some six days after Liesbeth Perdeck died. The letter is from Lisa Margoodle, a name which Liesbeth dreamt for herself. It must have been one of the last letters she mailed, and as she wrote: For All of Us, we are sharing it with you. Once again, her impeccable intent transcends her person, and we are all blessed by a bountiful loving creativity of Spirit.

Link: http://cleargreen.com/english/workshops/lisa.cfm

With love,
Cleargreen

Newcomers' Feedback
General Feedback

General Feedback

Having spent the last 3 months recapitulating part of my sexual life I felt as if this workshop was practically made for me. Now I could add the review of my family lineage which is still not complete but gave my worthy hints about my own behaviour. The tracking was hard work, to really keep my eyes open on my patterns. I was most surprised when we did the stalking exercise about an interaction of our parents. I wasn't even involved but still I adopted my mother's views and patterns of behaviour towards my father thinking that having a partner is the most important thing in life. Also, I learned about my creative energy where it goes in interactions with men and that it is still there just waiting to be used productively by me! It was a great relief that I am not alone with my 'problems' and my 'failures' listening to the other women’s stories.

'Letting go of certainty' is my favourite magical pass so far. It took me some extra practice to remember the steps correctly but now I do them every day to keep the light, weightless feeling I first experienced at the workshop. It opens my eyes for other possibilities and broadens my view for the infinity.

'Embracing the present moment' is much more heavy. Nevertheless I keep practising it as an attempt to keep that light feeling for longer. I have to pay attention to my mood, though, to embrace the right thing within me (the new view and not the old one, by accident).

As I said above I loved the discussions and Liesbeth's talk because it showed me that in the end we all have similar experiences in life and quite similar 'problems' to deal with! I am not alone and I am not 'no good' and 'worth nothing'! And neither is anyone else! I felt my own and every woman's uniqueness and specialness in the celebration of female being. We were all connected deeply when we formed that large half circle to the 'little light of mine'! Wonderful!

After that it was hard to get together with men again. It felt heavy and I could sense a pressure. But I could reestablish my balance again saying to myself that we are just two different outcomes of life. And I worked together really well with my opposite gender partner redreaming my first scene. I was stronger than before and could act easily in a new way. The three breaths we always did during the witnessing helped a lot! I keep practising them in real life, too, whenever I have to deal with men in higher positions.

Thank you so much for these wonderful, precious and extraordinary classes! The first step to change is done!

I volunteered to be a newcomer's witness. I gave him my full attention. Looking at the stalking questions I realized that every one is important. I wrote down as much as I could of his answers. When it came to his inner dialogue and new words, I made him repeat them, in order to put them down precisely. My inner dialogue is my program, I adopted it, I made it my own, and only I can change it, with my very own words and intent. As a witness I serve as a mirror to my fellow's story, when he receives my notes he looks at himself. The newcomer was impressed with my first notes even apologized for his own. No problem. Then we got deeper into the witnessing exercise, everyone told his story more slowly to allow the other one to catch more details. My memories seemed so far away only feelings, but with eyes closed I plunged into them. I could feel the affection of my witness as he asked his questions, he was doing the same as me, help the other one get to the point. His male energy came out as he changed his body position, that was a sight to behold. His creativity, part of his life story, was also remarkable. The focus on being a witness full of attention and affection has helped me to open up myself and talk about and stalk some really emotional experiences in my life.

Teo's life story made my tears come up. He did not leave anything out. I want to dig as deep as he has already done, in my own recapitulation.

Thank you so much for the beautiful workshop!

The forms of Letting Go of Certainties and Embracing the Present Moment taught me how important is the mood I put into practicing each form. I found that it's equally important to put an appropriate mood into anything I do in life instead of letting old not-so-convenient moods get in the way.

Mapping the female body was, as always, a delightful experience. My body really likes it. It is a time for intimacy with myself, something I definitely need more of.

With the Singing Earth Serpent I could perceive all around my spine and all around my whole body. I felt very silent and alert.

When we came together with the men I don’t remember feeling anything in particular. And this is, I can see now, something very special. In previous workshops I’ve had feelings such as fear or rejection, but this time, nothing, they were just beings.

On reviewing my lineage, I’ve seen how my mother has always been scared of men, she is a completely different person in any man’s presence. From my father’s side, the women use their sexual energy to flirt and get in this way attention or whatever they want. This is how I use a great part of my sexual creative energy, most of the time fighting men and sometimes, whenever I feel desperate and the opportunity arises, using my sensuality to get something.

The Celebration of Female Being was exquisite, to say the least. Nyei’s words about motherhood were very inspiring and I found them full of hope. There is a lot of potential within any female being to make things grow, to nourish projects, relationships… to be a mother doesn’t mean only to have children.

Paula’s story of being a mother moved me deeply, it brought me closer to my mother (...so, that is how she feels about us children, pretty amazing).

What has changed in me the most is my interactions with men. Doing the stalking exercise where we relived an interaction with our parents, I saw how from then on I had considered men to be women’s enemies. As Nyei Murez told me, we give high status to our enemies, and certainly a lot of my energy would get wasted when interacting with men and, even worse, with their mere presence.

This is how my behaviour has changed after the workshop in regards to the use of my sexual creative energy :

-It doesn’t seem to affect me when men around put their attention on me. Before I would always react, either with a feeling of discomfort or responding to their calls somehow. All that energy/attention now I can use to focus on whatever I’m doing or on feeling my space, my energy.

-I don’t worry as much about what men are going to think or feel if I act in a certain way. This has the same result, more energy available to stay in the present moment.

-I see the possibility of collaborating with men and communicate with them from my womb, which brings me a feeling of peace.

Reviewing a scene of Creative Inspiration was a reminder of my connection with the Spirit, whenever I am in silence, whatever I need comes to me or through me, I don’t have to do anything. As the song says:

“This little Light of mine, I’m gonna let it Shine, ain’t gonna make it shine, I’m gonna LET it Shine !”

Thank you so much to all the musicians and singers for the music and the song, it was great. So simple and joyful, so full of power.

I felt determined, YES! I want to LET it Shine!!

And thank you again to the Tensegrity Instructors and to all participants for your dedication and your warm affection.

First of all thank you very very much for this beautiful and magical experience by these classes.

To practise Letting Go of Certainty and Embracing the Present Moment activated in me an unbelievable sense of being and at the same time a beautiful silence. I was aware like never before. This silence came from my inside and I was a little bit scared how quiet I was. An unbelievable experience was to practise “the source disk movements”.

As we started to practice these movements and with every source disk movements shouted “ha” I felt like a warrior who is linked with the warrior of ancient times and the warrior who were doing these movements also, and who was freeing his awareness and bringing his body into a posture which make him able to act freely and without any doubt. As we started to practise with the women, I hadn’t the sense that we are opposite gender. I had the impression that we are one energetic unit which is totally in harmony and without any socialized differences between men and women. That was amazing!!! And what was even stronger was the sensation that naturally it is always like this and that only through the socialisation this sense is getting lost.

Through or after The Singing Earth Serpent I had the impression to be in state of increased consciousness. I perceived but not in the same way I usually do. My inner dialog was for this moment away and what was staying was PERCEPTION with totally different senses. What a beautiful moment.

Above all through tracking exercises 2# I saw how tremendous I held on women. This scene is about a girl who was the first one who I was really interested in and not only want to have sex with. At “our” whole time (we never had a relationship) I couldn’t own myself that she wouldn’t pick me because of another guy. I reproached her because she was convicted that she had to pick him because they are both the “same” (They were both Tunisian) I was not able to accept this fact till this tracking exercise and saw only my interest, my I, I, I, and that I’m the only person who is always exception less right, whose opinion have to accept everyone and closing his eyes for everything else and that she is also a human being with her own imagination. I see now that it is very important for me to release a person when I realize that there is no chance for “us” and not to see only myself in the foreground but overall us and what she thinks and to use this way of seeing for decisions.

Furthermore I understand now through this tracking exercise that I used my creative energy like my mother and my grandfather for fooling myself. I saw her and convinced myself that she is the right one and that I have to love her. Instead of asking myself what I truly feel and spend some time with her to check if I really feel in this way, I was in love her without any closer examination about my real feelings. It was really like, now I have to do this, to feel like that, only because somebody would expect from me that I act or feel in this manner. I see now that I have to listen to my heart and my body to check what I really feel for a person.

I see also through the tracking exercises, that by every meeting with a girl who I felt attracted to, I had to make a wrong (false) impression. Through the way of my acting I had to make them clear that I have so much sexual experiences, that I already did unbelievable things, knew famous people etc. I fooled also here myself and I used my creative energy for convincing myself that I’m a person who I’m not.

I see also now that I’m not the only one with exactly these problems; there are many others who have the same problems. Through this knowledge I don’t keep myself so strong as before these classes

Through being earnest to myself and other people, to be and accept myself as I truly am, to listen to myself, to accept other people as human being, not judged by their appearance, to see not only me and the other person but above all the we (as good as I can) is so delivering. I feel myself and I’m aware about myself like never before, now I perceive myself as a human luminous being and not as product of my socialisation.

It was also an enjoyment to listen to Teo’s history about his first love. It was so impressive and at the same time inspired how free somebody can share his experiences with other witnesses.

About the magical passes

Mapping the Body: The magic is the memories that come up, we are asked to find a scene and before you know it, the scene you need springs up, I am always baffled at how this works every time. To map areas that you can map without embarrassment with women only is great, I feel at ease then and feel I do the mapping very loving toward myself. Mapping another female and the other way around is very special, you feel a deep relaxation and tenderness and can give over to another, you become aware of your spine, it is really a not doing I feel of society, because women don't normally do this.

The Singing Earth Serpent: Beautiful to feel the other back move when you stop and both together, it is the most fluid of the passes, with a male I had the same ease as with a female. I like the singing very much and at the end the moving of the arms like a snake upwards, you feel like your energy expands upwards, like water, also like releasing the last things.

Tracking Exercises:

My familyline tracking helped a lot. Especially my mother's line came up this time. After the classes I contacted my father some more about it and a secret came out, much more information about my mother's sexuality. She had had an affair during her marriage. I always blamed my dad for everything not right in the family, now I feel the balance is much more even, my mother is not the high ideal I had of her, but more normal, and I saw that I have my drive for chasing the opposite sex from her, very very surprised about all this. When you think you know how things are.

The stalkings released a lot of emotions this time, the release of seeing that I gave up my creativity of art for sex, that my mother carried pain in her family, because her brother was gay and my grandfather had hurt about this, seeing I am like my family that sexual relationships and lines are crossed easily though not always respectful, I saw how I hurt the girlfriend of the man I am with, but also an incredible ability through hearing all the stories of the other women, how terrible they seemed, but a new feeling came of nothing is so bad as not to move on and breathe and to be in the now and forgive yourself for it and the others involved, it seemed we could go through anything at the time.

Liesbeth's story was very brave and very complete, her whole life story. She did not keep things hidden. It was like she matured while telling it. It was beauty, power. How one moment can set off a whole line of actions and over such a long period in life, that you still look for love and that she really let it go and loves herself and restored her relationship with her father.

I liked the ceremony we had for the women in circles, everyone went deep to their cores, and let go the last of the baggage, from all the hearts poured the last heartfelt, painful, liberating emotions. I liked that there were 3 stages of womanhood on stage, with every stage you could feel what it involved and it would go through us as well. I remembered the child my mother had lost and set this free for her and myself.

We are such sentient beings.

The anatomy lesson was very great, it feels like the class you never get at school. The body is such a beautiful system and so delicate and ordered. I especially was struck that with intercourse the male leaves sometimes viruses or bacteria in the place before the womb and that it stays there a long time and that wearing a condom is also to protect us from getting this inside. And that a cycle of a woman can affect the lovemaking or feelings, also with the smells and attraction or not.

Much love and many thanks all who were involved in the workshop

It was really great with Teo and Alex, they are really just practitioners, but very experienced and good at the practice, they gave the male sessions a sense of equality between all the males.

This also helped the strong feeling of trust that there was; the people who came to the microphone during the feedback after stalking and witnessing often told stories which must not have been easy to tell – there was this sense of trust and open space where this was possible.

Also I felt a recognition – we have had male practices here for some years and I felt that this is also the case in LA with the males there working together – and good to hear that they read everything we send about our practices. It feels like help and support to dream us forward.

When we came together with the women I felt a dividing wall of judgments in myself rising up which had been absent at the male sessions; suddenly they were there again, and I felt the women had these judgments about us too... But then after a few passes this fell away again and a lot of energy was released, especially when the last feedback session was and several women and men spoke about what they found and their new intent.

For me a solid feeling remains after the workshop. I noticed the feeling of being unworthy of real affection in a relationship has put a dam on my creativity. So I feel unworthy in many areas. This was never before so clear to me. It was a key to find. I feel worthy now, and I love whatever or whomever I want, and that’s the end of it! This feels really solid. My breathing is undisturbed. I can choose what to do with my energy, and I’m doing it. I feel much more present here and now. I can show myself for who I really am.

Also to see myself covering up my insecurities by an overpower “I am right” position, disconnecting myself, it gave me a jolt to find that I copy my mom and my grandfather in exactly the same what I blame them for. This inspires me to learn more about my moms’ side of the family and be more gentle with them, to see what is there to see.

All together this workshop really inspires our stalking I feel, I’m inspired and in awe what witnessing can do! Never was it so clear that we practitioners are doing this together.

Thank you again for bringing this mood of freshness and creativity in my life!

I was fascinated by the lightness and fluidity of the stalking exercises, the honest and deep explorations of Teo about sexuality and creativity and by the fantastic musical experience.

While listening to Teo’s story I could discover that I also had a behaviour of a king, who expects things in life to come easy and feeling that I deserve to be treated specially by others, because of my “distinctive personality”. I learned this pattern from my very gentle and caring mother who tried to please all my childish whims. I discovered a new view - that I have all that I need within and that I could bring joy and purpose in my life, starting from my present circumstances. I also realized that I could share my joy and passions with others in a gentle and caring way, full with abandon.

While exploring my lineage I discovered that most of my affection has been directed to my mother’s side. And to my surprise I found that my creative interests (science, languages, sports) stem from my father’s side of the lineage. My grandfather was a great reader, a man who liked his job of a painter and who wrote poetry with pleasure. My grandmother was a designer and tailor with very fine sense of fashion and attention for details and a mother of two children.

I loved the passes Letting Go of Certainty and Embracing the Present Moment and I feel more courageous to apply my daily steps, to change my routines and to be fascinated by the ordinary and mundane.

What I experienced in this workshop is the enhanced maturity of practitioners, fluidity and flexibility of instructors, deep diving into the topics and the mood of the workshop.

The song at the end was a fantastic idea, it brought a mood of completeness and pure joy! The drumming was my chance to step into a new dream - to do what I love and to share my joy with others.

I am looking forward to meet you again!

The Amsterdam Flowering

I thought I am an Island – an original personal creation of the universe, smugly boasting the host of talents, abilities and fine qualities bestowed upon me; shamefully aghast at the parade of weaknesses, flaws and monsters I created myself.

Now, my smugness evolves into humbleness, gratitude and awe, my shame turns to compassion, understanding and love.

For I am a Flower, and my brief and magical flowering is fed, fuelled and nurtured by the sturdy stem, lush green leaves and strong deep roots of my ancestors.

A passion and affinity for words courses through my grandmother, my mother, into me. My father’s beautiful voice and love of music- his gift to me. My mother’s joy in moving, dancing, unfurls in her daughter, who also feels the deep communion with nature of her great-grandfather, grandfather and father.

Despair, oppression and worthlessness seep through my grandmothers’ veins into my own, as do their desperate attempts to eke worth through superiority and severely judging others. My habit of numbing and running from difficulty into addiction, self-indulgence and hedonism is my forefather’s pattern.

Fun-loving humour from my grandfather and father laughs on in me; hardworking, endurance and a kind heart amidst hardship…

All these and many more, flow and merge in the flowering I call ‘me’…and as this flower awakens to its self, its roots, its totality…it glows ever brighter…lustrous petals full bloom with the sheen of a luminous universe.

As we women sang “This Little Light of Mine“, coming together with our tulips and our arms around each other, expanding to form a half-circle…I felt our shimmering petals open and unfurl in one exquisite Flowering of Womanness.

Let it shine!

When I went back from the classes, I made pastas to my wife she was begging me for month, she noticed since that I'm more comprehensive too.

During Teo's talk about his “king” father, I realize that I was also viewing my father with my mother's eyes but it is when we sang together (men and women) the song “This Little Light of Mine” that I felt my deep and unconditional love for my father.

As a little child, I was being said by my mother that I wanted to be a “daddy”, I realized then that it was because of this unbelievable love.

As a father of three little girls this discovery made me understand my dream came true.

At the same moment (the last song) it was like a little wall collapsed behind me. This wall was made of suffisance and projections of who I was and what I was supposed to do.

Without it, I felt naked and disarmed but free from all that stuff that wasn't me and from my very pretty organised life, everything went upside down.

I would like to thank so much all these men to have shared their fragility and their strength their ability to perceive, intent and fight. which, of course, are pointless without women

Thank you gracefully.

Learning the magical passes was of great pleasure, guided by Alice’s way of ease, affection and clarity gave me trust, a feeling of being guided and supported.

Sharing the passes with the men was an experience of great joy with the feeling of celebrating brother and sisterhood.

…In reviewing a childhood scene of creative inspiration I found how playful, inventive and imaginary I was and how much joy I found in doing so by myself. To make space and time for this now in my life, going out on my own, and enjoy an imaginary playful trip true nature will be a great gift of forgiveness for me.

The anatomy class was confronting for me. I had a lot of judgment about it, like I know what the womb area looks like and that I need to use a condom, what a waste of time. Than I noticed my resistance, took a pause…Admitting now: I have had a lot of unsafe sex, with a dialog that I don’t care. Thanks a lot for this class. I am worth it to care for.

The moments of shared experiences with the woman have had great impact on me, in many cases I could relate to the stories. I was touched. Touched I felt by all the beauty shown and shared from the wombs and the hearts. I opened up from all of that, tears and pain revealed by beauty. The ceremony was for me a great delight in sharing our beauty, the beauty from our mothers and their mothers. To sing together for them all our relatives and ancestors was like sweeping clean my links with them, forgive them and celebrate our existence.

I enjoyed very much the being together with the men. It felt ‘safe’ and I had the feeling I could come to the core of shameful situations with ease. The stalking exercises where powerful and it amazes me how they allowed me to open up so easily.

The magical passes felt really as what they were meant to; the thread that holds everything together and gives it its new place. The instructors did a masterful job at guiding us in a way that to me set an example to our being-masculine beyond the human form. I was truly amazed at the ease by which the newcomers grasped the Letting Go of Certainty and Embracing the Present Moment pass. Also realizing that I myself didn’t do my best to be the best or even better. I felt part of a group, like a swarm of birds. When they let us practice on our own I felt that there was this feeling of moving together in the air and I could hook on to it and let go. I enjoyed that.

The drum passes were amazing! Their effects were immediate. Creating space around my source disk and vital centers and I had the feeling as if air flowed through.

Teo’s talk was amazing, I went through the whole spectrum of my emotions. I got memories of situations I forgot and new perceptions on layers of situations I have already looked into. I cried when he was talking about his father and his father’s role in the family. I haven’t looked into this a lot and now I feel the urge to do this all the time because I think that behind my tears must be a big treasure.

The coming together with the women was and is always amazing. It made me realize again that these being are different and yet familiar. It made me realize that I am not aware of the meeting of another being (in general) always and take it for granted in daily life and that it is something truly magical.

At one moment it made me remember that next to the amazement I have feared women because of their delicacy and their ability to talk about their feelings and thus tell me they don’t like me. I saw this as their ticket to do anything they like, interestingly my female witness looked at me amazed and said that she felt the exact opposite; men being the ones who could tell and do anything they want.

When we had to get together with a female pair I saw the girl about whom I done my first stalking sitting almost next to me and looking in my direction. This first stalking was the one I without blinking told the whole group of men in what feels like the first second of the workshop, I surprised myself. But there she was sitting and I purposely choose another couple,… later on I thought about the juicy stuff I could dig up when confronting myself her…What I wanted to say is that I made me realize again that I should not avoid confrontations with women because I have a girlfriend because it makes me timid and secretive. I noticed that my thoughts became more apparent when I had to deal with not confronting her.

Ok, thanks for the classes and see you in a dream.

I am very happy I made it to these classes! I am deeply moved by the mood all of us brought into this shared experience.

In the beginners session it was very exciting for me to hear what everyone said in the circle at the beginning - including myself, because this made me find words and express why I had finally come to Amsterdam. Adopting a newcomer was a good experience, too. She had a joyful vibration and helped me broaden my view in the stalking exercise in a way that felt as if she had pulled her comment directly out of her silent knowledge. My second adopted newcomer seemed a bit stubborn in a way, not listening, refusing to follow the stalking-guidelines, digressing from the questions. She was a good mirror for me because I also have my ways to avoid stalking sometimes… or should I say a lot of times?

The participants were so brave! One woman said that there is nothing as strong in life as the feeling of attraction to a man. I had also felt this feeling several times in my life. There was something inside my mind ready to label her strange, weak, stupid, and dependent. Next thing I felt an intense affection for her and her courage to voice that feeling so simply and directly in front of everyone. Concerning that aspect of attraction, some of the instructors’ information on biological and social causes of our feelings was really helpful.

In the beginning of “The Celebration of Female Being” it was said that we can use this opportunity to voice judgments and let them go into the candlelight amidst our circle. I was not aware of some of the judgements until I just let the words come out. It was especially stunning to realize that I have judgments not only about menopause but also about virginity and fertility.

When we did Mapping the Female Body I felt so relaxed and affectionately connected to all the women in room and around the world. And it was a great joy to do the Movements wit the Drums! When the men were doing that and I heard the rhythm from the other room I felt like sneaking in and joining them…

Liesbeth’s story contained some stunning similarities to my own experiences with my father. He had called me whore several times provoked by certain outfits or make-up. Still, it had never occurred to me that he might have felt attracted to me. This is a precious indication and allows me to explore new aspects of my linage.

Another thing I felt for the first time concerning my father was not-judging his anger and even seeing it as an expression of energy – misguided yes, but the new view is an awareness of the fact that he did and does have a lot of energy. My focus moved from judging his socialized behaviour towards perceiving him as energy.

The sharing of childhood scenes of creative inspiration was a manifestation of joy and affection! Hearing all these childhood dreams is a bridge towards remembering and getting closer also to states of my own childhood and creativity. Thank you everyone for sharing this and thank you Instructors for guiding us towards integrating these states into our adult lives! Our path is joyful..!!

Very fine was the recapitulation work No. 6 with the yes-moments in our childhood. I always enjoyed swimming very much and I found out that I always felt energized and protected by the water. As well it’s good for my creativity (maybe that’s why I get good ideas under the shower).

Thank you so much for the wonderful time in Amsterdam and hopefully see you in Rimini

I am always interested to see the witness with which the spirit pairs me. This time was truly bizarre - a newcomer whose male lineage and mine originate in villages a few kilometers apart. I found it much more difficult than normal to be detached in our witnessing interactions. At one point whilst I was recapitulating a scene he interrupted me with directions and I really had to pause to breath and regain my alignment to consider his suggestion, with which I then agreed.

I feel I am usually a bit overfocused on completing the passes whilst mapping the body, rather than pausing to write down the seemingly trivial memories which come up. This time I was more relaxed about this and wrote down as my third scene a “little” experience from childhood which upon examination led to a truly revolutionary outcome for me.

I was paired up with a female practitioner with whom I share a mutual sexual attraction and affection. She is married and we have not pursued this despite a number of opportunities. It is a routine of longstanding with me to fool around with married women; we had a beautiful frank discussion on our specific circumstances - …she had identified infidelity in her male lineage just as I have.

The source disk movements with the Drums I always “enjoy”; this is really too weak a word to describe the energetically visceral (?) experience that this brings me.

My experience practicing the magical passes with the opposite gender bore out what one of the female practitioners observed, that for the males it’s like martial arts, for the females it’s dance. I am awed and inspired by the fluidity of the female practitioners’ movements.

The Song “This Little Light of Mine” was a kind of magical coincidence for me, for I had earlier discussed with one of the practitioners sending her some music.

The lyric goes: Abrete corazon, abrete sentimiento, abrete entendimiento, deja al lado la razon, y deja brillar el sol escondido en tu interior...

I love this!!

Returning your affection and appreciation

I feel more affection for all the living beings I meet every day, and I perceive women differently. I feel their magical connection with infinity through the womb.

I perceive also that there is a kind of energetic link through the womb of the female tensegrity practitioners: I feel it was already there before the Amsterdam workshop, but it's like that it's been lit up with affection and energy.

About the stalking exercises we did during the workshop, I found very helpful to have the chart with the perspective of all the scenes together.

I see that all of them have the same repeating body position, same feelings, patterns, inner dialog, and effects about the creativity. I noticed that also the steps for the new dream are the same for every scene.

First of all I want to thank all of you for the guidance at the Amsterdam Work and the possibilities you offered to us.

Well, I did not attend workshops for quite a long time. So for me it was a journey into the past. Here is a short summary of my experiences.

For me it is a sheer delight to practice magical passes. When I was practicing the magical passes of the Amsterdam Workshop I suddenly remembered the magical passes taught at a Cleargreen workshop in San Diego many years ago (in 1999). I had the feeling that I was in two places at the same time.

I also met some old friends which I had not seen for quite a long time. In this respect I was surprised that I remembered in the first place those interactions which “went wrong” or those which were emotionally charged. I also met some people whom I never met before and these interactions were very light and easy.

The third encounter with my past struck my family roots. When we went to a restaurant for lunch we arrived at an almost empty and dark restaurant though the restaurant was open. In the kitchen we found a woman and when we asked for something to eat her answer was: “He is dead!” For me this scene evoked another scene of my life: it was the day my mother died – in fact it happened also at Easter day some couple of years ago. When were trying to buy some flowers on that day the woman in the flower shop told us almost just the same. She said: “She is dead!” and then we realised that she was talking about her mother who died the very same day.

I had the feeling that all those things were happening at the same day. Later when I received your message concerning our findings at the workshop I heard a song from Van Morrison:

In the garden

The fields are always wet with rain
After a summer shower
When I saw you standin'
Standin' in the garden
Wet with rain

You wiped the teardrops from your eye in sorrow
And we watched the petals fall down to the ground
And as I sat beside you I felt the
Great sadness that day

In the garden

And then one day you came back home
You were a creature all in rapture
You had the key to your soul
And you did open
That day you came back…

After that I remembered the song you played for us at the workshop – I remembered the beautiful voice of the singer and I was back in Amsterdam.

Thus I hope seeing all of you again,

With best wishes and affection

The preparatory assignment for this workshop was fantastic! I talked to my parents about everything and I found soooo much about my lineage!!! I'm sure there is much more and I will continue to ask them about their stories and feelings and perceptions. Specially my grandparents, they are in such different realm now and connected to something....they live in the now more than ever. It's very interesting.... When they told me about their fears and dreams I saw the unspoken impact they had on me...Very interesting as well is that my great grandparents (their dreams and nature) are more similar to me than my grandparents or my parents .... I saw, that with every generation, in every lineage, each family member was able to move little bit out of the patterns of their parents. And the love they (my grandmother, grandfather, father, mother), didn't get from their parents, they gave it to me...It's interesting because we used to say: mom and dad can give only that what they became in their childhood from their parents. But they gave me so much Love, that they didn't had! They wanted the best for me and everything they did, was the best! I see myself as natural evolving element of my lineage chain....

The last day, when the woman sat in circles of eight and we had to let go of our prejudices about the stages the females go through (virginity, mother, aging) and breathe it out to the candle in the middle of our circle – I did it not only for myself, but for my whole female lineage...for my grandmother -- she is still alive, and I dreaming her to go on her next journey – free of prejudices she might have collected!

Couple nights ago I woke up and wrote this poem....enjoy!

Perfect mistake!
I did it once,
I did it twice....
I did it bad,
I did it nice....
When I was blind,
When I could see it....
When I didn't know,
And when I knew it....
For the first time,
And the last one,
I did mistakes and I have won!
The faultless gift!
The coolest shift!
I did mistakes and each of them was perfect!

This workshop is having a lot of unexpected effects. It was so full and intense. I did the HFII twice before, and repeated the stalking cycle a couple of times at home, and therefore did not expect 'big things' to come out.

The main pattern that came up was that I am/was so scared of being laughed at, or hurt, that I would rather retreat to the safety of my cocoon than doing something with the risk of being hurt or looking like a fool. This is in part my father's (and his father's) concern about appearances and making a good impression. Out of fear I often choose to avoid interactions, having friends, or significant relationships etc. Of course this limited my creativity and my joie-de-vivre greatly. But I told myself it was ok.

This last part was my mother’s side. Being tough as hell about your own feelings and not showing affection or attachments to protect oneself. My grandmother watched half of her brothers and sisters die before adulthood and she thought my mother (who had allergies and asthma) would not make it either. To protect herself she showed limited (outward) signs of affection to her children, and particularly to my mother. I apparently copied this mechanism of holding back on attachments to protect myself from being hurt.

Before the workshop I did not have a clue what else to do with my creative energy. Because of the clearing of old feelings, this came more and more into focus.

For instance. What struck me was that almost my whole lineage put a lot of creative energy in the church (protestant reformed) and into their religious beliefs; as a sexton, church counsel, assistant preacher, church charity, church singing leader etc. Although their involvement was on the one hand a bit dogmatic, it was also quite sober, gave them purpose and also inspired and helped a lot of other people. And I saw that when I was young I had a comparable dream. But I locked this away, because in the place where I grew up religion was considered not cool, and I was afraid of being an 'outsider'.

Now, I am not afraid anymore. Therefore I could see it was and is my dream to live with abstract purpose and at the same time contribute to making this purposeful living available to other people who are interested. I could see how this is one of the reasons why I am actively involved in the workshops and tensegrity practices. And now (being less timid) I dare to see new possibilities to forward this dream, such as a documentary.

A similar things happened with music. When I was young my parents encouraged me to explore music. I studied violin and played several other instruments keyboard, guitar, harmonica. At a certain age I became aware that violin was not a cool instrument in the eyes of my peers. Afraid of being nerdy, and laughed at, I dropped it. And after that I dropped harmonica, keyboard, and finally guitar (in the order of least nerdiness). Now feeling the joy of doing music at the workshop, I remembered how much joy and shine this musical expression brings. And also saw how I want to have this again in my life.

In writing this I realize that the promise of the workshop -the emergence of my creative purpose through recap of the source disk energy- has been fulfilled.

From the bottom of my heart and my source disk: Thank you!